How to Respond if you Encounter your Child or Teen during "Common" Age-appropriate Sexual Behavior
If you encounter your child or teen during their age-appropriate "Common" sexual behavior, stop and think, before you react. Your initial response, when you first notice your child's behavior, is vital because it sets a foundation for ongoing communication between you and your child and their interpersonal development. You also do not want to behave in a way that would create any type of guilt in your child.
As a parent or caregiver, as your child grows you likely might not fully understand their stage of sexual development and exploration. Depending on your child's age, they are likely to experiment with those of similar age such as kissing or showing and comparing genitals, and self-stimulation of genitals. This is known as masturbation, which is defined as self-stimulation of genitals. This is a time for you as a parent or caregiver to model positive behaviors by how you respond, not react, to your child's behavior. You might want to stop and think of when you were younger, and you were exploring your body. This can give you some perspective and help teach your child about personal privacy and boundaries.
Catching your child exploring with a child of similar age
If you catch your child exploring with another child of a similar age, remember to keep calm and respond, not react (If the other child is of a different age see "Uncommon" inappropriate sexual behavior). Remember that exploration among similar ages is common for their sexual and social development. If you come across such exploration, make sure the behavior is among the "common" sexual behaviors by age. If not, then follow the recommendations for "Uncommon" inappropriate sexual behavior.
Catching your child during self-stimulation of genitals (masturbation)
Remember, self-stimulation, known as masturbation at specific ages (see "common" sexual behaviors by age) is necessary for your child to discover how their bodies work. Among teens and adults, research that masturbation releases necessary hormones and brain connections such as neurotransmitters that reduces sexual tension, improves mood, promotes sleep and relaxation, as well as reduces stress. However, it is essential that this is done in private.
If in front of others or in public
Generally, with younger age children, this might happen at times when people are around or in public, such as feeling themselves through their clothing or against physical items.
If you walk in on your older child or teen
There might be a time when as a parent or caregiver, you accidentally walk into your child's bedroom or bathroom and did not expect them to be there and found them masturbating.
What is most important for a parent or caregiver, is to be prepared to communicate calmly with your child on the appropriate behavior, boundaries, privacy, etc. and not shame them or make them feel badly. You want to keep communication open, so they feel comfortable coming to you with questions and concerns about how their body is developing. Anytime you have concerns or questions about your child's sexual development or behaviors, talk with your child's pediatrician privately, not when your child is with you. This helps to get an outside perspective without your child feeling embarrassed or worried that they are not normal.
Generally, with younger age children, this might happen at times when people are around or in public, such as feeling themselves through their clothing or against physical items.
- Respond with a calm voice: This is the time that you want to talk with a calm voice with your child and let them know that it is normal to touch yourself because it feels good but do this in private in your room or when nobody is around. This will help to teach them about personal boundaries and the difference between what we do in public and in private with our body.
- Using proper scientific body part names: This is also a good opportunity to begin to teach your child using scientific correct names for parts of their anatomy, such as vagina, penis, testicles, etc. When a child learns the correct anatomical scientific names for all body parts of their body, this helps your child to be better able to communicate to you and even their doctor when discussing pain, problem or other concerns. It also helps a child who might have been a victim of sexual abuse, to be better able to properly communicate any violation to trusted adults about abuse.
- There are educational age-appropriate books that can be helpful when you are having these conversations with your child, including for younger children to help parents discuss about private body parts.
If you walk in on your older child or teen
There might be a time when as a parent or caregiver, you accidentally walk into your child's bedroom or bathroom and did not expect them to be there and found them masturbating.
- Keep calm. At this point, if they are in private, this is the time you need to excuse yourself. It is best to relax, keep calm and say, "I am so sorry, next time I will knock".
- If your child seems to masturbate often that it interferes with hygiene, sleep, homework, social activities, being with friends, eating, etc., this can be a warning sign of compulsive behavior, sexual abuse or other issues (see "Uncommon" inappropriate sexual behavior). You can also try to encourage and expose your child to different types of clubs and social activities without shaming or making them feel badly. Social activities are more likely to reduce the amount of masturbating without any shaming or making them feel badly.
- Masturbation should not be used as a coping mechanism when a child has experienced traumatic life experiences. This could lead to compulsive sexual behaviors (see "Uncommon" inappropriate sexual behavior). If you ever have concerns, talk with your child's pediatrician.
What is most important for a parent or caregiver, is to be prepared to communicate calmly with your child on the appropriate behavior, boundaries, privacy, etc. and not shame them or make them feel badly. You want to keep communication open, so they feel comfortable coming to you with questions and concerns about how their body is developing. Anytime you have concerns or questions about your child's sexual development or behaviors, talk with your child's pediatrician privately, not when your child is with you. This helps to get an outside perspective without your child feeling embarrassed or worried that they are not normal.
Need help?
- If you feel that the child or teen is in danger, call "911".
- If you are a parent or caregiver and this is your child:
- Talk with your child's pediatrician, or
- Call Stop It Now at 888-773-8368
- For teens, contact Teen Line
- Call 800-852-8336, or
- Text TEEN to 839863
For research or presentation requests, please call 323-491-6197
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